Introspection

(1/2/2010)

Lately I’ve been processing a lot of emotions without discussing them with anyone.  I’ve been writing a lot in my paper journal, curled up in bed with a glass of juice right before I go to sleep.

It’s not very often that I get friends out to Murfreesboro to visit anymore and I’m already feeling fairly isolated.  All I can do is just make more friends, I guess.  It’s easy to say that I could just be friends with Rosemary’s friends, but yeah… that’s a little awkward, not to mention sad.  Being an introverted and anxious person, I obviously find it difficult to find friends my age.

Strangely, I was informed that a girl I went to high school with died on New Year’s Eve.  I talked to my friend that used to date her, and apparently there is speculation that she overdosed on some sort of pill.  No one really knows what happened.  It bothers me a lot that she died, but I can’t say I’m surprised if she died from an overdose.  Is that callous and inappropriate?  And why are so many people my age dying now?

I’m trying to be happy with my life and live in the moment, but I feel a little suffocated and trapped.  I ultimately know what I want to do with my life, but there are so many things swirling around in my head that I’m a little confused.   I should be grateful for everything happening in my life, especially when faced with the mortality of human beings.  Still… I’m anxious and, honestly, depressed.

I hate using the big D-word, but it’s true.

Something is missing in my life.  Why else would I be feeling utterly unsatisfied?  Wish I could figure out what’s going on to make me feel this way and then I could attempt to correct it.